At one point in time, I thought that the worst feeling anyone could ever possibly have is that of extreme sadness—but I was so, so wrong. The worst feeling anyone can ever have is simply confusion. The feeling that washes over you when you don't understand; when you can sit all day and think about every possibility and still, for the life of you, you can't figure out what happened, why it happened, or just simply: why?
The pain of what you don't know is overwhelming. The pain of knowing something is just outside of your grasp and you just have to stare at it all day and feel that throbbing pain in your heart. The strangling, suffocating, throbbing pain that starts in your chest and slowly rises up your throat and chokes you. It's so close, but you can't have it and you will never, ever be able to know.
Someone else has the power to torture you, mind, body, and soul. It's that wondering. It's wondering what happened, if it was something you did, just wondering what you could have done or just yearning for an explanation so bad that your heart seems to twist inside of your chest and pull on your veins.
The worst thing is that, having the feeling of not knowing, you begin to doubt your whole world. You begin to doubt the things you do and who you are and even everyone else at times. Not knowing robs you of your faith, it robs you of the ability to feel like you know. Because now, it's too hard to think that what you have now might still be here tomorrow, the day after that, or the day after that. Because you know that everything you ever believed in and hoped for and dreamed of and counted on when there was nothing else to count on was ripped away from you so quickly.
And the worst part is that you don't know why.
do you miss me like i miss you?
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